Most of us would avoid a full-blown fight with fists flying and abuse being hurled if we could, yet we often exist in 'fight mode' in our relationships, even when it doesn’t look that way on the outside.
Fists may not be flying, but in our hearts and our minds, we are preparing to fight and just like a boxer entering the ring we are acutely aware of our partner's moves - especially the ones that provoke us even when we are not sure why. And I don’t mean physically violent moves. That is a different story.
I am talking here about the moves that hurt on the inside, like our partner walking away as we try to talk to them or when they make a slightly cutting remark or look at their phone while we try to catch their attention. With the vigilance of a boxer, we watch for those kind of moves and without pausing to ask why, we swing into action.
We don’t hold a fist in glove up to our face in actual defence, but instead, we offer a sharp remark in return or we shrink into ourselves and harden our hearts a little or tell ourselves we don’t care and abruptly walk away.
And like all good defensive moves, it invites another attack, like a raised voice that calls after you “why do you always walk away?” or a slammed door or a roll of the eyes as they walk the other way. Whatever move they make it feels like a “punch” and we respond without pausing for breath. We answer back with irritation in our voice or we rap loudly on the closed door or maybe we accuse them of ignoring us under our breath as we withdraw deeper into ourselves.
Whatever move we choose, the match has begun. Punches are being thrown and no-one is listening to the sound of their own hearts.
No one is asking why it hurts when the other makes the move they do.
No one notices that they are in the ring not because they want to hurt each other but because they are longing for each other.
But, unlike the boxer, if we could pause long enough to touch this longing and to gently voice it instead of preparing for the next move, it might just be the beginning of a whole new sport - one where we are not out to win, but to learn to love one another.